August 24, 2024
One year after our decision to continue our journey togetherExactly 28 years after our first encounter with love at first sight
Today 28 years ago, I saw you for the first time. In Hardenberg, you casually stepped into the house of a mutual friend. And I knew within 10 minutes: ‘I’m going to marry you’.
It is also thanks to the singularity of knowing immediately that you are my man, that after all these years carrying on this journey by myself, did and does not feel right.
Everything I need, is already here.
Today, 26 years ago, we said YES to each other
Our wedding day was not a ‘standard day’. We did things differently even then. Although I really did have a wedding dress, whereas I had always envisioned an evening dress. But having a plus size and no internet yet, I had to go for a slightly different coloured dress.
Last year was our 25th wedding anniversary. And even though I had envisioned for many years how we would celebrate, it was far from that kind of party. I didn’t understand any of it.
Completely down financially. Searching for a way to live in freedom, in a non-traditional way. With extremely few people around us who understand this. Away from the so-called security of a job/company. Which keeps people in a kind of prison.
Which also makes other types of income much more logical.
And I realised (only) last week, how my own role in this is hugely important.
> What am I focusing on?
> And what am I getting?
Despite desires and vision and knowledge of how things work, my frequency is apparently unconsciously on the other side of what I want.
Another great insight, which I have already started working on: changing Mindset.
This life today brings many challenges. It requires going back to the basics again and again: deep trust.
Thanks to our lovely daughter, who travels with us and takes a huge interest in psychology, I am discovering, especially this past year, that what I had come to see as narcissistic traits are actually related to autistic traits.
Although I don’t like labels at all, sometimes it helps to gain insight.
And I had to grow towards it. It did turn out to be an eye opener in the end. It explains a lot. And at the same time, it takes a lot out of me.
The realisation that I will always have to ask for something, because you don’t see it on your own.
Asking…
I am discovering that this is my biggest lesson.
‘I’ll do it myself’
Or worse
‘I always have to do everything myself anyway’
I get to turn it around by indicating what I need.
And as simple as that sounds, I find this a tricky one.
While that is exactly what you (and Yanaica) need. Clarity.
You (unfortunately for me) are not a mind readers.
Not sensing what I need, but regularly sensing that I need something, because my energy changes when I need to ask but don’t.
It is almost unimaginable that it took me so long to realise this.
A lot is becoming clear now
Last year, thanks to a wonderful woman, I discovered that I don’t take my place. That this is why my body does it for me.
Only now am I starting to realise that my difficulty in indicating what I need is related to this.
Last year, it did become clear to me that quitting this relationship would not solve anything. I would, whatever was underlying it, take it to a new relationship.
Then much rather stay with the man I love dearly. And only now beginning to understand more.
The label explains a lot.
Now I only have to discover how to deal with that.
Probably, stating what I need is the biggest (and simplest) solution .
And I promise you, I will practise that over the next year. And who knows, I might even just master it .It’s really just a switch. But I still find it scary ….
Could that have to do with a previous past? That it wasn’t safe to say what I needed? Or that what I needed didn’t matter at all?
Both feel right.
I am facing another big change.
How happy and lucky I am, to have you beside me.
My beautiful husband.
💖 Who always tells me how much you love me and makes me feel loved.
💖 How beautiful you think I am.
💖 How beautiful my energy is.
Many times I have said that one day I would really like to see myself through your eyes.
Then I would probably look at myself very differently afterwards.
The challenge lies precisely in being able to/learning to see that from my own point of view.
I notice that some puzzle pieces are falling into place again.
It is interesting what this intuitive writing, at a time when you think I am ‘haunting’, brings me in terms of insights.
It helps me.
And on our day, I promise you that in the coming year, I will be more mySelf. That I won’t have to hide. That I don’t need a mind-reading partner, if I simply state where my needs are. In all areas.
Thank you for our journey together.
Not just the literal journey, which requires a lot from you, but especially the inner journey. For helping me grow.
Thank you my love
I see you
I appreciate you
I love you with all my heart
On to an amazing year
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