Last winter in France, it really became clear to me… I don’t claim my place. Let others go first or choose first. Don’t sit down if there are too few seats. Under the guise of… Doesn’t matter to me anyway.
In September, my dear sister Sandra, with whom I really feel tremendously at ease, gave me a massage in her beautiful space at Praktijk Nigdala in Friesland. After a while, she asked me a question: “Do you claim your space?” Just because that had come up so much in France, I almost laughed, and said, “no”. She told me something I had not heard before: my body shows that I am not claiming my space. I asked her what that meant. She indicated that because I am not taking up space, not choosing for myself, my body itself literally starts claiming that space.
WOW, that one hit me hard!!! What an eye opener!
But why is that and what can I do about it? Time to explore further!

As a little girl, I was already pretty aware of my body. A mother who was into dieting must have helped with that. Added to that, I also grew up with ‘being fat is not good and is unhealthy’. Even when I was slimmer, I felt too round. But… I am healthier than many slim people. At least I have proved the opposite of what is claimed 😉 .

Not liking myself with this fat body, I tried all kinds of diets. In 2014, after 1.5 years of strictly following the Wheat Belly diet and still being far from the ‘promised’ results, I was absolutely sure that the shape of my body had to do with my mind. And not in diets. And that’s why I’ve really sworn them off ever since… I was convinced back in 2003, but I was ‘tempted’ again 11 years later. Because yes, I really want to be slim, and look the way I prefer to see myself. But I discovered it was not in dieting. What could make me slimmer, though?

Possible causes of having extra weight, but which all turned out not to be true:

• Surely accepting my body would be the solution? It took years before I dared to be myself on the nude beach. Accepting that this is what my body looks like and it doesn’t matter what others say. But this acceptance did not lead to a slimmer body.
• I felt I always had to be the strongest. Because hubby often had physical challenges, which I thought was due to something else (mental). But when his physical challenges disappeared and he also picked up things, my body didn’t change either. So that too was not the reason.
• I thought I was literally finding it too hard to be the sole breadwinner (for a lot of years). And that if hubby worked, that would make a difference. UNFORTUNATELY! Even after hubby started working, I didn’t lose weight. (However, we did have a lot more money which meant we could finally go out for a drink 😉 )
• I thought I had to find myself beautiful or love myself to lose weight. Even in Portugal, I wrote a text on the mirrors, as RTT hypnotherapist Marissa Peer recommends. NO! That also turned out not to be the solution. Just as affirmations never provided a solution (I had been working on them since 1998).
• I used to see handsome people were favoured. I decided I didn’t want to be judged by my looks, but for who I really am. Could that be why I put on so much weight and became less and less beautiful? I now know who I am, what I can do. And have also learned who really sees me, and who pays attention to my appearance. That insight, too, has had no effect.
• The ‘funny’ thing is that I don’t see myself the way photos show. Photos are very confrontational for me. I feel much thinner than I look in pictures. AND… I regularly bump into something, which also suggests that I see myself as less broad than I actually am. A mindfuck that hypnosis gurus say should be enough to get the body you see yourself as. But apparently that’s not where the solution lies either.

In short, in all these years I have become much wiser. Especially about what doesn’t work 😉.

Not being able to choose

I can remember as a child hating arguments and disagreements. But I also remember that when a tray with different cookies or chocolates was passed along, I couldn’t choose. I preferred to be last. So that someone else could take what they wanted most. And I would choose from what was left, even if there was nothing left to choose. I liked everything anyway, was then my excuse.

For years, I thought not being able to choose was my biggest challenge. And that if I could choose, everything would get better. And the older I got, the better I got at making choices. In all kinds of areas. Choice of what direction to go, love, education… I actually knew what I wanted and went for it. Choosing was therefore no longer an issue. Mission accomplished! At least, that’s what I thought, until recently.

How often do I actually choose what I want?

When I think about it this way, practice is different. Then very regularly I still don’t take what I would prefer at all. Then I allow my children, hubby or someone else to choose what they like most.
Then I make a conscious decision to let them choose, because I think everything is fine. Right?
Or I don’t order a certain thing on the menu because I find it too expensive.
In that case, I am also just making a conscious decision that I don’t want to spend that much money. Right?
Even with clothes, I allow the kids and hubby everything, but for myself it should cost as little as possible. But I don’t need to walk around with expensive clothes, do I? Especially not with today’s lifestyle as a nomad. Right?

Or is that another mindfuck?
Is that making up an excuse?
Is that because I can’t choose?
Is that because I don’t allow myself to?
Or is that because I don’t choose for myself?

*let me think about it*

Surely saying no is not so difficult?

Occasionally, I hear people talk about how they find it hard to say ‘No’. Then I thought to myself, “Ah great, that doesn’t bother me anymore.” After all, I thought, I’m pretty good at saying ‘No’. At following my own path. But when I take a really close look at my ‘No’s’ and ‘Yes’s’, I can’t help but notice that I do regularly fail to say ‘No’. Especially when I suspect it will affect another person.

And why is it that sometimes I can do this effortlessly and don’t care what anyone else thinks, and other times I just make a little white lie or say ‘Yes’ even though I feel a ‘No’? To spare the other person. Because I don’t want to be selfish.

Again, let me think about this…

When is it easy to say ‘No’?

I realise that I can do a lot of things easily if I am the initiator. If I am the engine, I don’t care what anyone else thinks. Of course, I don’t like it when others take it personally, but I do it anyway. Because when I am the engine, I am much more in my power and follow what my heart tells me much more easily:

As an example, the choice to sell everything and leave in 2020. I felt very strongly that we had to go. Going alone was not an option for me. The whole family had to come along. Along to a place where life was good, even if it was a strange time. No longer be in a country where people live in fear. Where people live so close together that there is hardly even room to be alone with your own feelings (vibration). That you always catch on to what is going on in others. Was everyone around me happy with my choice? Definitely not! Did it affect my relationship with them? Certainly it does! But I put up with it. Because I also knew how miserable I would have been if I had stayed. It actually felt like no choice. I MUST do that, to love myself. And I didn’t stay just because they felt I was running away.

When is it not possible for me to say ‘No’?

I find that it’s a different story when the other person is the initiator. When someone has thought of something and involves me. I notice that is when I am ‘weak’. Apparently the other person has thought of something and (s)he wants me to play a role in it. No matter how small or big that role is. It’s not about that. Something is being asked of me. And I find it incredibly difficult, not to give the other person what they had thought of for themselves. I find myself selfish if I then choose for myself and not for that other person.

Again, I can think of ‘excuses’:

I can’t always do what I like, can I?
If I can contribute to the success of something or to someone’s happiness, that’s good, right?
Surely it is good if I do something that makes another person feel good?

Unexpected insight through the Gene Keys

I subscribed to the Gene Keys’ Telegram channel. Every 5-6 days, a new Gene Key comes out which you can then listen to for free. And after that time, you can buy it for $2. The code is linked to everyone’s birthday in those days.

November 17-22 2023 is dedicated to Gene Key 14. According to Richard Rudd, one of the important keys to creating prosperity and wealth. But to prosper, we must first breathe deeply into our belly. Because true prosperity is about embodiment.
In the accompanying sound clip, two beautiful things emerge:

External compromises and Internal compromises. Richard Rudd explains the difference.

An external compromise for example is,  when you decide to do what your partner likes to do at that moment. You are fine with that at the time. Even if you would have made a different choice yourself. So in an external compromise, you are at peace with not doing what you would have done yourself. And you go along with someone else’s wishes.

Internal compromise is actually where it goes wrong. Because then you do something even though you are not at peace with the choice. Then this compromise is too big. It goes against what you want.  Then little voices come into your head.

According to Richard, we may strive for a life without internal compromises and solemnly choose for external compromise.

As I listen to that, I realise, how ‘not claiming my space’ may very well have to do with (a lot of) internal compromises. And that I should have a lot less of that in my life. And not by avoiding those situations, but simply by choosing my own WELL-being.

And then it is not a selfish choice, because I actually hurt myself if I did choose for the other person. Of course the other one doesn’t want things to go wrong for me. Unfortunately, the majority of people don’t even realise that that would be the consequence of my ‘Yes’. They will probably have a judgment or find me an egoist, or decide they never want to help me again. And I get it, because no one taught us this! I am only now beginning to understand it too.

I have to say that this insight definitely helps in making other choices.
I’m more a person of ‘seeing the point in something’ to actually go and do it.

And while writing and listening this week, I have discovered what may have caused my voloptuous body. AND I have gained insight into WHY I need to make different choices.

This insight surely doesn’t mean that my old patterns will disappear like snow in the sun, but being aware of this is the first all-important step. And then comes the change.

I hope it will ‘show’ itself 😉